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'A Nightmare on Planet Zaftig'

by A Nightmare on Old Kent Road

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1.
Prologue 03:46
There were no volcanoes... but lava lapped against every shore. There were no tidal waves...where fiery waters waged constant war There were no earthquakes... but most barren land was ripped asunder But there were bars and boutiques barred to all but those boasting some other fucker's plunder.   This is Planet Zaftig. Every night they drag me to it. I just close my eyes and IN hop two warriors each with a single limb – skin of deep magenta dangling crimson like demented placenta split at the centre as if it were boring influenza fashioned by a tormented inventor.  They speak like Scots toting a multitude of one-liners – the females boast deep voices and the males have makeshift vaginas. Two types of folk float above the planet’s surface though one rules supreme forcing the other into submissive service. The Zaf’s rule the land with whips of fire and hearts of icy desire. They attend galleries with the tamest art and bars bereft of soul, warning  me what London will ressmble when the bankers take control. The Tigs are the subservient workers, who live in cracks and the filthiest of holes, though they have imaginative instincts that can never be controlled. Planet Zaftig haunts both my dreams and my fears for this world’s future, butchered so that imagination languishes in the sewer...  Warning me of what London will resemble when the bankers take control, in bars bereft of soul...
2.
Ice took hold of one's guy's hole And serpents sneaked into his brain Shaping new forms of birth control marinating members with acid rain... Spare the child, but not his rod...Simon 2 supplanted God. Three babies each is your decree whatever your plans or dreams may be for your mind to be free... The fourth child will come to me...the only one that shall be free. We'll make her drink So she can't think Love takes the strangest forms... I saw two creatures - one a tiny turnip, the other a colossal ogre. Love takes the strings forms...love takes the strangest forms...love takes the strangest forms! But one would caress the other if  the world perished nine times over, so long as she never claimed his lover.... But the fuckety fuckers made them separate Sending viruses into the world on their second date... Love was too strong so they did it to Julia all night long.... FACIST SCUM.... Ice took hold of one's guy's hole And serpents sneaked into his brain Shaping new forms of birth control... Spare the child, but not his rod...Simon 2 supplanted God. Three babies each is your decree whatever your plans or dreams may be... The fourth child will come to me...the only one that shall be free. Spare the child, but not his rod... Simon 2 Supplanted God!
3.
(They call me) Fat pig, Fat Pig on Planet Zaftig! It started with a boat ride...through endless puddles of Carbon Monoxide... Our vessel is a giant vulva with withered dentures... Plaque-coated flapping tongues...forming foreign letters... (They call me) Fat pig, Fat Pig on Planet Zaftig! "We brought you hither to kill you quicker..." (They call me) Fat pig, Fat Pig on Planet Zaftig! "We brought you hither to quick you quicker... Our vessel is a giant vulva with withered dentures... Plaque-coated flapping tongues...forming foreign letters... Mostly neither alarming nor threatening...but both menacingly feminine and unsettling... I wanted to run...to soil my pyjamas...but the suspense flaws me and my eyes are fixed on letters that soon become English phrases... (They call me) Fat pig, Fat Pig on Planet Zaftig! "We brought you hither to kill you quicker..." (They call me) Fat pig, Fat Pig on Planet Zaftig! These will be you final thoughts! Your neurons will be tied in knots! These will be you final thoughts! Your neutrons will be tied in knots! And Wiily Wonka stops the boat Wheel! And I reel and squeal..."This can't be real!'Wiily Wonka stops the boat Wheel! And I reel and squeal..."This can't be real!' This can't be real!'
4.
First came a feather; then came a wing... Elegance tethered to sadistic sin; The fell a feather, thirsting for wind... Forever belied by beautiful sin! Hunkering together in the frozen tress... Before flapping furiously to spread disease, Like flocks of beacons whose light paralyses... these birds' in-flight audacity terrifies us! Gliding, sailing, soaring and fluttering... Warbling mournful songs like dying monks muttering! They circle above waiting for weakness - Murmuring till their number defeat us... Their numbers beat us! Beat us! First came a feather; then came a wing... Elegance tethered to sadistic sin; Then fell a feather, thirsting for wind... Forever belied by beautiful sin! Suddenly swooping, mobbing, diving and bombing... With shocking throbbing feathers they come storming! More like vultures than swallows though they swallow... The sallow marrow of mammals sucking bare bones hollow! Jetting back to dead tress with my head clamped by talons, Fiends peck at my eyes and sup my blood by the gallon... So nestled deep in the cruellest dinosaur heart, Coarse beauty flies despite their fiendish avian, alien farts! The audacity of birds, flocking above Planet Zaftig, Is symptomatic of a demise both perverse and romantic... Perverse and romantic! First came a feather; then came a wing... Elegance tethered to sadistic sin; The fell a feather, thirsting for wind... Forever belied by beautiful sin!
5.
Love is forbidden upon this planet Love is forbidden unless its sanctioned Love is for the few, not for the many Bile is sprinkled in place of confetti Art is inconvenient unless innocuous Vacuous protest like star-gazing with binoculars Art is the cash that lines Zaf’s wallets This controlling comet packs quite some wallop…   Slavery's freedom's secret ingredient... War on love unless convenient... Stripping of art unless obedient... Slavery's freedom's secret ingredient! Slavery's freedom's teeming chains that surround us As the cries of the crowd are discounted as groundless Liberty of thought's last year’s hard-fought fashion Acid hearts action factions crashing through the mansions ... Acid thoughts/acid hearts action factions crashing through the mansions...crashing through the mansions... Slavery's freedom's secret ingredient. War on love unless convenient!
6.
"You need to die somewhere sick! Close by the Zafs and away from the Tigs!" Want to know what happened then? You'll never enquire thus again. Want to know what happened then? You'll never enquire thus again. Edinburgh barrister voices boomed from bars... As Glaswegian gobs groped cracks on all fours! Thrust from the boat from behind and jostled into wine bars beating in time, As Ambient indie blared scarily and a labyrinth of tea lights flickered ferocious... Blaring scarily & Flickering Ferociously! "You need to die somewhere sick! Close by the Zafs and away from the Tigs!" Back into cracks crawl zillions of Tigs... Cruel scum silenced by Zafs toting whips! Rats roam tables smoking squirrels ostentatiously... Their leader's bending rebelliously...he's showing me his single scaly knee... Bending rebelliously & smoking squirrels ostentatiously! "You need to die somewhere sick! Close by the Zafs and away from the Tigs!" Back into cracks crawl zillions of Tigs... Cruel scum silenced by Zafs toting whips! He whispers he's called Simon 2 Or is it, Simon ? Back into cracks crawl zillions of Tigs - Cruel scum silenced by Zafs toting whips! You need to die! You need to die! Somewhere sick!
7.
From a pompous populace in a vomitous metropolis, These dreams forever dwindle with the fall back to consciousness... Through pearl-peppered gates, Heaven lines glorious roads Alien nymphs penetrate my longing ear lobes Artisan artefacts percolate in every nook But homogeny reigns with moneybag's outlook... From a pompous populace in a vomitous metropolis, These dreams forever dwindle with the fall back to consciousness... But then I'm guided through gates to a city of woes Deapairing shrieks of paupers puncture gyros The straight path is lost in the darkest wood, With females pillaged and plundered enroute to manhood. From a pompous populace in a vomitous metropolis, These dreams forever dwindle with the fall back to consciousness   Jungle of concrete Forsaken by the elite Whither oceans of lava Hosts Tigs in balacalavas Female Tigs are  groomed As montrous members loom From a pompous populace in a vomitous metropolis, These dreams forever dwindle with the fall back to consciousness... .............. Of course, this lack of food and forced enslavement Is just the surface of ravaged roads and paralysed pavements! Within this alien hell of my most morbid dreams, Beats fiery hearts and flows creative streams!
8.
Simon 2 04:22
Hail Planet Zaftig's despotic leader (Simon 2). He's a little breeder, a despotic leader and a tyrant who (Simon 2) syphons their hymen...this venomous titan - Numero Dos Simon. He pickles their livers; he farts on their hearts; he tightens their melons whether saints or felons... He's driving them bonkers with a complex inferiority complex...and their dying too...for the sport of... Simon 2, with frightening hullablo... Simon 2
9.
Mind Control 04:49
It's just a form of mind control  mould your skull till the brain explodes Just their form of mind control withhold your soul till it implodes The despot in charge has plans for me: to liberate the bourgeoisie From revolutionary overrhrow and instant coffee. Just a form... Then he clamps his sucker over my nose Disseminating further nightmares for unhappy repose In me he planted a seed to start to despise My fellow working-class workers and other good guys... Just a form... My nightmare was completed by various sex acts My orifice nibbled by squirrels suckled by rats In the end it's just a form of mind control, Submit to the hipters once and for all.... Just a form of...
10.
Climbing 05:26
I have to scale a mountain, but the sides are too steep. I have to escape the chaos coming behind me I have to reach the summit but darkness binds me… I just have to keep climbing, climbing, climbing.   The mountains here have stalagmites of iron and steel They burn and they freeze and they bite and they sting And pterodactyls attack with a withered right wing As gargantuan monsters awake from the deep….   But the peak never comes, there’s just more climbing Whatever I seek soars higher and higher and higher And I see nothing ahead but my own funeral pyre There is no summit, just more fucking climbing...Climbing! Climbing!   I always wake-up just before I plummet Falling deep into the darkness like a discarded lover Awake in my bed but I discover no other… This world pushes me aside till I answer the summons of blackness…the blackness is Climbing I have to scale a mountain, but the sides are too steep. I have to escape the chaos coming behind me I have to reach the summit but darkness binds me… I just have to keep climbing, climbing, climbing.   Climbing! Climbing! Climbing!
11.
Obsolete 04:21
Kisses were sweet! Kisses were meet! Kisses are now obsolete! Zaf girl clutches Tig boy in her tentacles She stoops till he surrenders chemicals… Tig boy’s not invited to meet her folks He kisses her shame until he chokes Their cover is blown; the affair’s terminated Tig boy’s whipped, Tig boy’s mutilated! Zaf Girl’s gonna be rehabilitated! Tig boy’s gonna be annihilated! Kisses were sweet! Kisses were meet! Kisses are now obsolete... Obsolete!
12.
‘Crying Zoo’ glared down in neon The lair of some deceitful demon.... Tidings of misery that would come for some   We waded into wounding waters Like those conceived by tragic authors Waves where we sob and rot   Godlike voices screamed we were worthless The worst excesses of society’s surplus   Dying Pool winked down in neon The throne of this deceitful demon Marking where we would be eternally   Submerged deep in warping waters Like those dreamt by demented authors Waves where we cry and die   Until our mirthless masters called time and left us breathless        Base by birth and worse than worthless workers... Designer Zoo shook in a hurricane Terminating like an earthquake   We might emerge with no limbs Hanging on some rich ruler’s whim Hinging on some rich ruler’s whim Hanging on some rich ruler’s whim   Our bodies’ form was compromised Our souls were mangled with our minds   But some remained resolute No matter what transpired in these pools Their hearts could not be iced or knifed    But precious few remain resolute After what transpired in these zoos Our hearts withstand till they’re hanged   Their precarious schemes leave us delirious Till nefarious privilege is victorious   Bodies burnt! Brains broken! Lost Lives! Lost loves...
13.
Epilogue 05:25
Just when I thought I was out…Just when I thought I was out… Simon 2 hops into view! Simon 2 hops into view! His magenta eyes escape their sockets to shadow my sleep like some sordid goddess…Sordid Goddess! I leapt and sprinted, but was forever found to drown in his Crying Pool… was forever found bound with another’s brain marooned inside the Designer Zoo. Simon 2 out-hops me...his demented placenta garrots me… There is no exit! Not in this trendy cesspit...where the fledglings drink lava, and the bourgeoise are harboured from whence the Tigs all Scarper… Young Tig girls fled before me, knowing he was with me. Always with me… Planet Zaftig is his to burn. A lesson London will never learn. The remorseless bankers hover over us like those alien birds; they carry keys to the Dying pool…where faithless workers face a watery furnace. Simon 2 holds me in his arms, and kisses me like no one else. His mouths mouth love and eyes eye wealth… Though I am Tig by birth, his DNA shoves its way and plays my organs like J P Morgan. I laugh like a Zaf. I am sent back here to preach at last. I’m Simon 2. How’d you do? Planet Zaftig is his to burn/Mine to burn... A lesson London never learns!

about

Lockdown would not lick us!
Out of its depths crawled most of these songs... recorded within the confines of cramped bedrooms...whilst London slept...
 
No, Lockdown could not lick us!

Planet Zaftig (a mysterious alien world wherein the rich Zafs control the bodies and minds of the impoverished Tigs) first haunted Simon Yorkshire's dreams back in 2018...when two of the album's songs ('Final Thoughts' and 'Somewhere Sick') were written and recorded...

Then, out of the silence, the despotic leader Simon 2 wrenched Simon Yorkshire's nightmares back to Zaftig without means of escape...except to get Stephen Elwell on the blower and make a record, amidst the chaos reigning outside.

Listening to these tales, Elwell fashioned pieces of music (on guitar, synth, bass and percussion) that marked a journey of their own before they merged with Simon Yorkshire narrations of abduction to an oppressive, dystopian world... all too similar to our own.

Thus, Lockdown did not lick us! A Nightmare on Planet Zaftig, mined mostly between March and June 2020, is the proof.

Perhaps after listening, you can tell us who Simon 2 is!
Please tell us who the fuck he is!

The lockdown will never licks us!

(29 October 2020)

credits

released October 30, 2020

A Nightmare on Old Kent Road are...
Stephen Elwell (guitars, bass, synth and percussion - AKA the hard graft)...
Simon Yorkshire (lyrics and vocals - AKA shits and giggles)...

All songs written and owned by A Nightmare on old Kent Road...
Mixed by Stephen Elwell, with some Yorkshire hindrance...
Mastered by Nathan Harmer...
Cover art by Olivia Steen...
Notes by Simon Yorkshire...

We owe a thousand thank yous to Crushing Objects Records; Silo SE8; Olivia Steen; Kimberly Marie Freeman (who commissioned the artwork for us); Nik Deks; Chris Essex; Nathan Harmer; Fae Harmer; and...Intox Extravaganza.

Released by Crushing Objects Records, October 30th 2020

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A Nightmare on Old Kent Road London, UK

A Nightmare on Old Kent Road unites musician Stephen Elwell (of Lofe and The Brain of Morbius) and singer/lyricist Simon Yorkshire (of Yorkshire Vs Essex)… Tales of the latter's warped nightmares are set to the former's dreamlike compositions. The duo awoke on April Fools Day 2017 in a converted bedroom somewhere sexy between New Cross and Peckham; they now have two albums to nab here on Bandcamp! ... more

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